*BUMP* and new poem!

Black Hole

Overwhelming pressure,
Overwhelming passion.
I want to get to the other side,
Set me free!

'Cause my freedom is my destruction,
My redemption is my seduction.
The other side is the fantasy,
While this dark, cold place is my misery.

No one has made it through.

Images from the other side,
The white hole resurgence.
They are rich, famous, strong,
And rely on my innocence.

'Cause there is no celebrity without "I",
There's no media without "me".
The shadows from the other side
Will keep on haunting my self
Until I become a ghost,
Completely devoid of myself.

Taylor:

I am so in love with your style of writing. I've never too much liked poems with end-rhyming schemes, as it makes guessing what's next very predictable...

Your sense of detail is on point, and the flow of the words was also great...

Some lines that especially caught my atttention:

9. Depressed<------ loved this one the most, btw

"I succumbed to you,
You sucked my life out of me,
And now it sucks.
You sectioned me in pieces,
And now I can’t put myself together.
You severed my soul,
Stole my spirit,
Spoiled my senses."

10. Anger

"Why am I spending these words
On you?
You don’t need them.
Simple - I’m not spending them on you.
They told me to write a letter
When I get angry
And send it to no one.

I just did it.
(You’re nothing to me.)"

Black Hole

"'Cause my freedom is my destruction,
My redemption is my seduction.
The other side is the fantasy,
While this dark, cold place is my misery."

"'Cause there is no celebrity without "I",
There's no media without "me"."

Also, please forgive me, but I am quite the perfectionist.... a trait that has proven good and bad in varying cases . I tend to pay "too much" detail to some of the "littlest" things...and, well, no need to further explain. Anyways, I noticed some typos here and there (listed below in the spoiler). Not sure if these were intentional or not, but, since I was unsure about some of them, I just listed the ones that seemed the most obvious in my mind...

1. My Tourniquet

Line 18- "This chills me into the bone."

Hmmm, wasn't too sure about this one, though, I have most often seen this idea expressed as "chills me to the bone."

2. Falling

Line 4- "And let me with nothing to say."

I believe you were going for "left me with nothing to say."?

3. Carpe

Line 1- "Why I’ve been feeling down?"

Hmmm.... "I've"-----> "have I"?

Line 9- "But you let me in pain."

Similar to the previous: I believe you were going for "left me in pain."

9. Depressed

Line 17- "This pain swell"

Line 20- "Sense, this world make none"

11. Animal

Line 4- "Nothing else care."

Line(s) 13/18- "In such an animalesque world where notting matter."

Hmmm, that one word "animalesque" was used in both lines 13 & 18. I've never seen the word written in this way, and even looked it up for my benefit, but had no success finding it at all. Not sure if you meant to write it as "animalistic", but I understood what you were saying...

13. Silence

Line 1- "Enjoy the silence, quiet, whispering through you ears."

Line 2- "How can be something be defined by something that’s empty?"

Extra "be"?

Black Hole

Line 17(reference Line 19)- "Will keep on haunting my self

I'm guessing that this should be one word, as you wrote:

"Completely devoid of myself."

in Line 19 of the poem.

Line 10- "The white hole ressurgence."

Hmmm, I've never seen that word spelled with two(s)...also I'm thinking that "hole" should have an apostrophe (s) added on the end...

Jrawls:

Thank you for your feedback. I am a fan of broken poems as well - for me, poetry is the art of being a human being, and no human being is perfect. I try to input that into every poem of mine.

Onto your corrections:

#1 - It is really "chills me into the bone" that I aimed for. The fixed expression is indeed "chill to the bone", however, I wanted it to sound more entangled to the being on the poem - making it "into", as an "undetachable" part of it.

#2 - I intended to say "let" on this as well. The intention is simple - there is a wordplay with "you let me fall" on one of the stanzas. The word is there to create a resource we call "anáfora" here in Brazil - the repetition of words with poetical intent.

#3 - Correction noted. Thanks.

#4 - It is "let" once more. On this one, however, the explanation is different: the cause of his pain never left him - it is still part of him on an irreversible way. So, "left" does not apply.

#5 and #6 - Corrections noted. Apparently, I hadn't downloaded Grammar Knowledge as a trait on that day (#DreamAftermathDownloadTheory). xD

#7 - Correction noted. Thanks.

#8 - Animalesque is a French word, meaning... animalistic. (Surprised? xD)
I used such word due to the sound effect of it - "animalesque" sounds like a really strong word in a rather repulsive way.

#9 and #10 - Those were typos. The original text has proper spelling. Thank you.

#11 - No, that is exactly the intention I portrayed. When I say "will keep on haunting my self", the intention is to convey a structure such as "will keep on haunting my body/being", giving margin for the wordplay later on. The meaning is exactly that one - "self" is there as a replacement for "being".

#12 - It is a typo, I meant "resurgence" with an only S. However, the apostrophe does not fit - the "white hole" does not own/contains the resurgence, the "white hole" is the resurgence. Both "white" and "hole" are being used as adjectives, differently from your structure on which "hole" acts as a noun.

Edit: Glad I could help....and I definitely learned some things about word play.

*BUMP*. I will post Circe on here within some days.

I see you do this well, sir.
Keep up the good work!

-claps-

great work

thumb up

Taylor, your poetry never ceases to amaze me. I'm excited to see what you come up with for the contest. ^.^

New poem on showcase!

Creation

Sensorial overload, sensorial overload
Nervous breakdown
Broken rhymes
Badly-done metric.

Writing on a paper
Trying to draw your own face
Nothing.
Now that's what I get.

The notebook is the barrier
That prevents me from touching myself
Killing my will,
Making me blind.

Another barrier - of tears - is forming
Once more.
The world turns around because of the suffering
That festers in the open sores of the society.

Some might say I deserve this,
I'll say that I deserve worse.
So I'll catch my breath
And finish this poem slapping myself.

Great! I will recomend You to watch pulse film, if You havent whatched it already!

(...)

Great! I will recomend You to watch pulse film, if You havent whatched it already!

I haven't - thank you for the recommendation!

Side Note: Brace yourselves, I have a lot of poems I didn't post on here. Once I have the time, expect a plethora of poems! =D

Art is the only justification to pain.
I've only read a few so far but they really hit home and i know exactly how you would've felt when you wrote this

great stuff.