War Of Ninja Forums > Creativity > Writing Division > ShapeShifter Chronicles: The Rebellion - Part 1 (Revised Version)
 Topic: ShapeShifter Chronicles: The Rebellion - Part 1 (Revised Version)
Users reading this topic: There are no members reading this topic.
  • 1
  Posted on March 24, 2011 12:09
#1
Low, The Manipulative Shadow

Contribution: 2,773 (2,647 + 126.3)
Joined: March 20, 2011
-
Hope this doesn't spar with the rules as I'm re-posting virtually the same material.
-


This story takes place in a very different world. We will call this world Terriar. It exists on a very different plane than our own Earth. For this reason, there is almost no contact between the worlds. Only the highest levels of wizards from both worlds were the only ones that ever crossed over.

Terriar, just like Earth, have humans living on it. However humans aren’t the only beings to live on the planet. A race of creatures namely ShapeShifters live in Terriar. For centuries, both co-existed together in perfect harmony.

ShapeShifters look no different than humans, in fact; you can't tell a shifter from a human. It is their ability that makes them so bizarre. ShapeShifters have this amazing ability of transforming their bodies into whatever they see. Originally they didn’t look human, or anything else for that matter. Over time this ability got overridden from living eons among humans. ShapeShifters developed a stable human form and control over their shape shifting ability. These abilities were widespread as they were diverse.

Humans and Shifters lived in peace, until a few centuries ago… something changed. Humans started an all out war on the shifters. For reasons unknown, Ruler of Celiberia gave ordered to slaughter every single one of the shifters. This marked the beginning of the war known as Shifter Wars.

It plays out till today, not only in Celiberia, but the rest of the world. Since humans are great in numbers than ShapeShifters (for every 100 ShapeShifters there are 1000 humans), they managed to overpower ShapeShifters. 50 years ago, things began to alter. Shifters changed. They adapted to the human’s hostile nature. This marked the start of human purges.

Now this story that I am about to tell revolves around a 12 year old boy name Rafael. Also known as Roth, his parents became victims of human assault when he was just a year old. A human boy name Angel took Roth under his care; because Angel was saved by Roth’s parents.
Angel is a human… this proved troublesome for him. Humans and ShapeShifters alike loathed him. Angel is a human outlaw and the only reason Shifters tolerated his presence was because of Roth. He settled in an underground human trench where he raised Rafael. Angel taught himself and Roth the art of fighting and how to use weapons… and exploited Roth’s shape shifting ability to its maximum.

Somewhere in Celiberia…

A young boy raised his head up, out from behind a crate. He had been standing on one of the many platforms that humans built along the valley wall. They are pure steel platforms, some tunneled into the cliff, while others protruded outwards. Literally hundreds of these platforms lined the cliff-wall.

The one that the young boy stood had a carved out space into the cliff. A shop and two houses stood to the far end. The crate that the boy stood behind, was one of the many, stacked side by side each other. Apparently they contained supplies for the shop, but were empty now, ready to be picked up by the Dump Vehicles.

A man walked out of the shop. He had just done some early morning shopping, and walked into the elevator at the end of the platform. The boy watched as the elevator left the platform, rising up until finally it disappeared out of sight. This boy; Rafael, slowly crept out from his hiding place.

He looked relatively young, maybe 10; and weak in terms of his body. Rafael wore a white tank top, and blue colored Jeans. He had a messed up hairstyle, as if it hasn’t been touched for a decade. In one hand he held a long sharp edged metal spike, and wore leather gloves on his hands and walked on bare foot.
The boy walked into the shop, unaware of the waiting ambush. He became the subject to immediate fire from the man who stood behind the brass metal counter. Rafael was fast; he jumped to the right, and crouched behind a rack, out of the line of fire.

“You are dead, scum!” The shopkeeper walked out from behind the counter, with his G9-KK shotgun. He tiptoed to the rack where the boy jumped to dodge the gunfire, leaning over; the shopkeeper shot a couple of rounds to where he thought the boy would be. Rafael wasn’t there, he had disappeared. The man searched the whole shop, but couldn’t find Rafael.

Suddenly, a mouse fell from the ceiling, landing abruptly on the man’s head. Out of shock, he fired at the ceiling. The boy exploded, and he grew; at an alarmingly fast rate, even for a shifter; transforming into a lion. The man fell down on his back, the sudden and sheer increase of weight on his head, broke the shopkeeper’s neck. Rafael finished the job with a bite to the neck, and tore a portion of it, just to be sure.

Rafael transformed back to himself. He had blood on his face and mouth. “Yes you are, human.” The boy muttered to the dead corpse.
The ST (Star Troop) had begun to position in front of the shop, being warned by the man that left the shop, before Rafael came in. He had seen Rafael behind those crates.

The boy rounded up bread, jam and biscuits into a plastic bag and prepared to leave. He knew that ST had gathered outside the shop. Thus Rafael crouched behind the door, and looked outside; his instincts were dead on target, at least half a dozen soldiers lay in wait for him; three in front of the two side windows, and two men at the main entrance.

Rafael thought up a plan of action. He picked up the body of the shop keeper and threw it out of the right window, in order to divert ST’s attention. All the firing was directed at the body. Meanwhile; taking advantage of this opportunity, Rafael jumped through the left window and ran towards the edge of the platform.

It wasn’t long before the fire was redirected at Rafael. He managed to dodge most of the bullets, took one in the left leg and right shoulder, before jumping off the platform, and took a dive down to the valley floor. Rafael kept both his hands close to his body, as he zoomed down, gracefully.

A few meters close to the ground, bat like wings sprouted from Rafael’s back, and as he unfolded them, started soaring. Rafael flew through a town that was once bustling with human life. Now though, all remains is a monument to the once glory of humans.

Rafael navigated his way through the empty streets, and plunged down into the mines, going deeper and deeper into the valley. At one point he rose up through an opening on the ceiling of the cave. Zigzagging his way up the maze of tunnels, Rafael came out on to the surface, 3km away from the valley.

Rafael landed close by. He kept the bag down, and sat; the morning desert sun scorching on his, he dug his hands into his shoulder wound and removed the bullet.

The sound of a gun sent Rafael springing back on his feet. Looking to the right, he saw someone on the ground, a few feet away. An older man stood there; handgun pointed at him. This man had blue hair and wore a green colored leather jacket and black pants.
“That...” The man pointed his free hand at the dead man, “…
Could have been you,” He lowered his gun. “Be careful next time, Rafael.” The man kept the gun back in its holster and walked forward; and began work on the injured leg of Rafael.
“That human bastard knew me.” Rafael was bitter, the humans were on to him.

“Perhaps he saw you sneaking behind the crates…” Angel, using a curving blade he had, removed the bullet that was caught in Rafael’s leg. “Humans grow weary and alert.”
“You should know, since your one yourself.” Rafael started walking towards the open desert.

Angel followed Rafael, and scavenged the gun and ammunitions from the man he shot down. “You sound like you don’t trust me?” Angel asked, quickly catching up to Rafael.
“I trust no human…” Rafael looked at him, “except you Angel.”
The man heaved a sigh of relief. “When will you go to refill?” He asked Rafael.

They stopped by a small rock that jotted out of the scorched earth. Thousands of years of water-depriving-sun had left the ground in cracks. And now, the desert slowly marches for the once lush green valley.

“First thing tomorrow, I promise.” Rafael kicked the rock.
“You said so yesterday…” Angel pulled on the lever that slid out of the ground. A door creaked open on a side, revealing a flight of stairs that lead underground.

“I will do it tomorrow, I promise.” Rafael walked down the stairs into their living room. It was once the radio room of the bunker. They had removed all the radio equipments and re-arranged the chairs and table with enough room at the sides for a shelf.

Rafael sleeps in the armory while Angel has his bed in the store room. The bunker has 2 two-ton water tanks and one refrigerator.
Rafael covered his wounds with a white cloth and dropped down onto one of the chairs. Angel came in with their breakfast. He prepared it for both of them. Rafael ate thrice what Angel ate. Shape Shifters need to eat more; energy is consumed greatly in their shape shifting process.

Immediately after the breakfast, Rafael got up to leave. Angel tried to stop him, “Not today boy, rest while your wounds heal.”
“It’s not like the humans are resting…” Rafael took no heed to Angel. He got out onto the desert sun, and took off towards the human ST outpost a few kilometers to the west.

It’s a daily routine for Rafael, he spy on the human outpost; listening for any of their encounters with a shape shifter; and relaying the human movements throughout the territory to the rest, that’s his job.

Rafael crawled up the iron pillars of the tower, and through the window. A man wearing a headphone sat inside, monitoring a radio and a computer screen (the radar). The man had been communicating the other outposts’ kilometers away, scattered all over the VALLEY SECTOR.

Celiberia is divided into seven sectors; VALLEY SECTOR, THE OASIS, DESERT COUNTRY, LAKE COUNTY, IVORY COAST, DEMON COUNTRY and KINGS LAND.

Rafael’s minute figure let him inside the right ear of the man, in the form of a moth. He would sit there listening to the conversations for hours at a stretch. It always surprised the humans when reinforcements come to the shifters rescue from out of nowhere.
Rafael would change shifts at twelve o’clock, with another of his kind; a black male name Joseph. Just like most of the shifters in the valley, Joseph lives alone. But, like everyone else; he gets along with others very well.

Rafael headed home towards four o’clock, where Angel would be ready with lunch. On the way, he stopped by a hut, in the middle of the desert. There lives a very old lady; long grey hair and has lost all her teeth.
“Good afternoon madam.” Rafael greeted this woman with respect. She sat beside her table, weaving a cloth.

“Good morning, Rafael.” She looked at him, and smiled. Rafael sat down next to her. “Got shot?” She asked, seeing the bandages. Rafael nodded. “You should be careful,” she stopped working, and stood up. “Humans are quick learners.”

The old lady disappeared in to her room for a while. She came out with a small box wrapped in white paper. “Please give this to my son.” She handed the box to Rafael. “Give him love from me.”

To Be continued...

------------


  Posted on March 24, 2011 18:00
#2
Karab, The Dark Tiger of the Nobles

Contribution: 2,395 (2,227 + 167.7)
Joined: February 18, 2010
Now this is much better

This actually deserves a thumb up
*Happily Married to Nana...For the next 48 Hours*

  Posted on March 24, 2011 18:10
#3
kakashi_pwnzor, The Untouchable Archer

Contribution: 342 (293 + 48.9)
Joined: February 16, 2010
.....You use ellipses more than I do.

...That's saying something...

But apart from that, it's well written.

Thumbs up for you.
elamento12 wrote:
Edit: Why you such a negative person cheer up KP.

ELAMENTO, Y U NO HAVE GRASP OF HUMAN EMOTION.

Avatar by -asylum.

  Posted on March 24, 2011 22:50
#4
rurudo66, Hunter of Hanto

Contribution: 1,198 (1,067 + 131.2)
Joined: April 12, 2010
Just from comparing the first part of both versions, I can tell that, though you fixed some of the mistakes, you didn't fix others and in some cases you even created new ones. The writing style itself isn't that great and the mistakes don't help it. The story's premise sounds interesting, but the story itself is not good in my opinion. Sorry.
Epicurus wrote:
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
Marcus Aurelius wrote:
Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.

  Posted on March 25, 2011 04:22
#5
Low, The Manipulative Shadow

Contribution: 2,773 (2,647 + 126.3)
Joined: March 20, 2011
rurudo66 wrote:
ust from comparing the first part of both versions, I can tell that, though you fixed some of the mistakes, you didn't fix others and in some cases you even created new ones. The writing style itself isn't that great and the mistakes don't help it. The story's premise sounds interesting, but the story itself is not good in my opinion. Sorry.

Oh well, I hear you. This isn't the best piece of writing, and certainly not the best I've written.

  • 1